Akatsuki Crack Theatre
by To-MAH-To
Summary: AN inside. The members of the Akatsuki play a dangerous gamewho can get more blackmail on the others? Crack fic as stated in title and rating subject to change. Very slight yaoi no pairings references included.
1. Fish Sticks and Popsicles

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

**A/N: Some of you may have read Of Fish Sticks and Popsicles or The Other Side of the Coin (if you haven't, you might as well ignore the entire author's note). Well, this story, for about the first twenty chapters or so, will be that. However, after that time, I'll be writing new material, and this time, it'll be with **_**all**_** the Akatsuki. However, there are a few members I don't know anything at all about—Zetsu, the Akatsuki leader, and anyone besides: Kisame, Sasori, Deidara, Itachi, and Tobi (bit iffy on him, though). Any information on the others would be appreciated—hell, information might inspire me a little.**

**And even though the chapters are prewritten (for about the first twenty or so chapters), I'll wait a few days to upload each chapter, so I have a chance to respond to reviews (and so, hopefully, people **will review).

**Thanks for the support, and I hope you enjoy the first installment of –trumpets blare- Akatsuki Crack Theatre!**

Kisame had a dirty little secret. In fact, no one would respect him anymore if they knew. Kisame had to hide it, away in the freezer, so that no one would know that the great Mist nin of the Akatsuki, the one who based himself off of a shark, had a penchant for fish sticks.

He hid his dirty little secrets in a empty box of flash-frozen hamburger patties. Sasori had liked the disgusting meat, and once Sasori had left, Kisame could start hiding his fish sticks in the (now) empty box that once held Sasori's hamburger patties. No one ever thought to throw them out, and so Kisame wasn't ever found out.

That is, until, Itachi needed a place to store his secret—popsicles. He hadn't had popsicles in quite a while, as he had been off in Konoha and Suna recently; his box, unlike Kisame's fish sticks, had been finished before he left, so that he wouldn't have to fear someone finding or throwing out his treats.

And so, being completely and utterly disgusted with the idea of hiding his popsicles in a place where flash-frozen hamburger patties had once been, he found an empty box of fish sticks and put his beloved popsicles inside of it.

Late one night, Kisame traveled into the kitchen, searching for his fish sticks. He opened the freezer, and went into shock when he saw a huge box of fish sticks. Who, in the Akatsuki, had the nerve to eat fish sticks? As if to make sure that they were in there, or rather, to see how many were in there, he opened the box. And, lo and behold, he found popsicles!

"Okay, whose popsicles?" Kisame asked, a smirk on his face. Fish sticks were one thing—something sweet like popsicles was another. He wouldn't be questioned, he was sure.

"Mine," Itachi stated clearly and calmly from behind him, certain no one else was around after having used his Mangekyo.

"Oh, brave, aren't we?" Kisame felt he had blackmail.

"About as brave as a shark-man hiding fish sticks in an empty hamburger patty box," Itachi commented, glancing over at the cardboard box as if to prove a point.

"Touché," Kisame muttered. He ran a hand through his hair. "Fish sticks?"

"Do we have ketchup?"

"Ew."

"What do you mean, 'ew?'"

"Eating them with mustard is so much better."

"Disgusting. Popsicle?"

"Before eating fish sticks? Man, you are weird."


	2. Paintings and Puppets

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

Deidara had his own special storage warehouse, one in which he kept all of his paintings. He had kept all of his paintings from even when he was only seven, and had painted a terrible picture of himself for an art class. He only painted when he wished to convey something without feeling compelled to making it explode right away, and so, he painted and stored them all in a small shack just outside of the Akatsuki main headquarters. He told Sasori that, when he would eventually die and be replaced, to light the explosives underneath the warehouse so that his work, like himself, would expire.

Deidara painted whatever he wished, about whatever he liked. When he saw a movie he liked, he usually did at least one painting about his favorite pairing of the movie, his favorite scene, or his favorite picture he got in his mind about the movie. He never showed such paintings off; he only painted them for his personal pleasure. In order to keep people from bursting into his warehouse, he kept the key to it with him at all times. However, this alone wouldn't keep an Akatsuki member from entering the warehouse. But, this was the only security measure he actually took. Why? Because he thought that no Akatsuki member would demean themselves enough as to break into his private art room.

However, Deidara made a dreadful mistake. He went into Sasori's room, and happened to examine some of his puppets. When he looked through the puppets, he couldn't help but notice one disturbing fact—one of the puppets actually had 'woman parts'. Out of curiosity, he opened up a woman's dress to look at her legs, and couldn't help but notice that one disturbing fact. He burst out laughing as soon as he saw this, and Sasori rushed to his room, feeling somewhat anxious about the laughter.

Having sensed his partner's arrival, Deidara cried out, "I can't believe you have a puppet like that, yeah! What, you don't get enough girls, un? Is this your girlfriend, un?" he said in between fits of laughter.

And those were the events leading up to the assault of Deidara's painting storehouse. Sasori, being the respectful type, would have never even thought of invading the sanctity of Deidara's painting room—if Deidara hadn't laughed about his puppet. Luckily enough for Deidara, he didn't go spreading Sasori's secret around. However, when the first available opportunity arose (Deidara's weekly bubble bath, though it wasn't known to the other members as that), Sasori snuck inside.

He searched through the paintings, taking his time. He did enjoy some of them, and liked looking through all of the different scenes from movies. However, he paused when he found one specific painting...

"... Isn't this from Brokeback Mountain?" Sasori asked slowly, to no one in particular.

"Damn you, Sasori, un!" Deidara's voice called from the doorway. His hair was extremely wet, and he looked like he just barely threw on a bathrobe before running down there. Apparently, he had seen Sasori from the window.

"Well? Is it?" Sasori pointed at the picture, a 'ha ha, I got you' smirk planted on his face.

"None of your business, yeah," Deidara huffed as he walked up to Sasori, his feet stomping instead of stepping, and he pulled the painting gently from Sasori's hands. It was true he was mad, but Deidara wouldn't harm one of his paintings before it's 'time'.

"Don't tell about the puppet, and I won't speak about this again," Sasori offered.

"... Deal, un," Deidara reluctantly muttered. _'But I will get you back, you bastard, yeah...'_


	3. Laundry

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

"Give me your laundry," Itachi demanded, holding a basket with dirty clothes.

"I don't trust you," Kisame whined. "Last time, you washed my t-shirt with our cloaks, and now..." Kisame motioned to the t-shirt that still lay on his chair, only still there to prove a point. It was light pink and baby blue spotted.

"I would tell you to do my laundry with yours, too, but before that, you remember what you did to my house socks?"

"Do you know how weird it is for a mass-murderer to have 'house socks'?" Kisame asked, his eyes narrowing to slits.

"Yeah, well, isn't it weird for a missing-nin to wear pajamas?"

"... Wearing normal clothes while I sleep is too gross... And being naked is just weird…" Kisame muttered defensively.

"Whatever. Just give me your clothes," Itachi commanded.

"Fine. Here," Kisame said, passing him his clothesbasket. Itachi blinked, staring at the item that lay on top.

For, on the top of all the clothes, was a pair of white briefs. "You... wear briefs...? Only old men wear briefs."

"Oh, shut up, Mr. Akatsuki-print boxers," Kisame muttered, referring to something he had found out when he did Itachi's laundry. However, Kisame had had the foresight to do his own whites and not allow Itachi to see his own underwear.

"Touché. One of these days, Kisame, I'll find blackmail on you that you can't back up with blackmail on me."

**- The Next Morning -**

"Itachi, get up, we have a mission," Kisame called, opening Itachi's door. The only one who could get Itachi up was Kisame—anyone else got a shuriken very skillfully and sneakily thrown at them. In fact, that was what happened to the man that Kisame replaced.

And then, Kisame burst out in laughter. For, he noticed that Itachi was wearing his pink and blue blotched 'house socks'.

"You still wear those?" Kisame asked. Itachi glared.

"They're warm and comfortable," he said, pausing before continuing, "Well, anyways, you wore your pink and blue t-shirt to bed last night," Itachi accused.

"How... how did you know?"

"I guessed. But, now I know. So, don't even try to use these socks as blackmail."

"I hate you."


	4. Thongs and Pretty Hair

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

Deidara had decided he would have to play dirty. It was quite plain that Sasori no longer really cared about blackmail, but Deidara wanted to come out on top. He needed Sasori to lose to himself; he needed it not only to prove he was better, but to prove his style of life (and, as art is a part of life) and his art was better.

So, there Deidara was, searching through Sasori's underwear drawer. This particular area was one that Deidara had sworn to never become acquainted with (not precisely, but he definitely did want to be searching through the puppet master's underwear), but yet, there he was, swallowing his pride in order to find what he needed.

Deidara wasn't actually looking for underwear—it's just that, whenever someone had to hide something, a good deal of the time, they'd put that particular item in their underwear drawer. Deidara had been expecting to find some sort of magazine, or some sort of picture that would incriminate Sasori. However, what he found was much, much more interesting.

Deidara held the skimpy underwear in between the very tips of his two forefingers. In his hands lay not a pair of briefs, or a pair of boxers, but a thong. What Sasori had been doing with a thong, Deidara could only wonder... and then run away from such thoughts, because such thoughts led him into thinking about Sasori in a thong. Ew.

Deidara pulled out a camera and took a quick snapshot of the thong in Sasori's drawer. He also backed up and took a picture of the entire wall and Sasori's dresser, with the thong in view, so that there was irrefutable proof that it was indeed Sasori's room.

He was about to make a clean getaway, when Sasori stopped him at his door. "What were you doing in my room?" apparently he hadn't been there long, for he didn't realize that Deidara knew about his little secret.

"Do you have a thing for red, un?" Deidara asked, for red was the color of the thong.

"... Red?" Sasori replied unintelligently, for he did not know what Deidara was talking about.

"Yes, un. Red. Like your thong, yeah," Deidara pointed out. Sasori nearly did a double take when Deidara said this, but Sasori kept his calm and simply glare at him.

"You have no proof. I'll hide it by the time you start telling people."

Deidara held up his camera.

"You have no proof it's my room. Itachi, Zetsu, Kisame, and I all have the same dresser."

"I took a picture of the wall, too, un. You're the only one with wallpaper, yeah. And the thong is still in view, un."

"I had to use it for a mission." Which was true—Sasori did need the thong for a mission. He needed to set up one of his puppets as a prostitute, and the only way to keep the illusion complete was for the puppet to wear the right underclothes as well.

"Why do you still have it, then, un?"

"Everyone's gone. By the time they come back, I'll have something on you. Now get out of my room," Sasori ordered. Deidara smirked and walked out—after all, at the moment, he felt that he had won.

----

Sasori, like Deidara, was prepared to play dirty. Many times before, when people asked Deidara about his hair, Deidara would reply that it came out like that. He would say that, yes, he shampooed it (like you were supposed to), and then that was it. He even said he only towel-dried it, and that he didn't make any effort to make his hair so... perfect.

Sasori knew from the beginning that that was a lie—it just wasn't possible. Kisame's hair was what you got if you didn't do anything to it—Deidara's hair, however, was a thing of perfection.

And so, Sasori took the security tape from the camera during a time Deidara was in the bathroom. Sasori found that, not only did Deidara condition his hair; he used a blow drier on it and brushed the different parts of his hair one hundred times. He would then even pose in front of the mirror, always trying different hairstyles, though he always stuck with his usual ponytail.

"Deidara," Sasori greeted.

"The other's are coming back this afternoon, yeah. Our time off, headquarter-sitting is over, un."

"Oh? Good. I can tell them about you... let's see..." Sasori pulled out a list. "Shampooing, conditioning, blow-drying, brushing thousands of times, styling, playing with, and paying way too much attention to your hair," Sasori read off the list emotionlessly, as if it didn't matter to him. However, Sasori knew he had pretty much nailed Deidara.

"... You have no proof, yeah."

"Videotape," Sasori replied with a smirk.

"... YOU'VE BEEN SPYING ON ME! YOU SAW MY NO-NO'S!" Deidara yelled at Sasori.

"Relax..." Sasori sighed. "I only looked at the tape after you were wearing your towel..."

"Oh, un. Well, damn, yeah..." Deidara sighed.

'_I'll get you back for this, un, you bastard, yeah...'_ Deidara thought to himself.

"I heard that," Sasori glared.

"Un?" Deidara snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Sasori again.

"You said it aloud and I heard it," Sasori explained.

"Oh." Deidara paused, looked back up at Sasori, stuck his tongue out, and stalked off, all the while cursing Sasori for all of eternity to himself.


	5. Gingerbread and Chocolate

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

"The shower is all yours," Itachi said as he walked past Kisame, in the hotel room they were currently residing in. It had two beds, a TV, and a well-equipped bathroom—rarely were they able to make such indulgences.

Kisame was on his way to the bathroom when he stopped. He began sniffing the air, and Itachi rose an eyebrow at him. "What?"

Kisame ignored him and continued sniffing. To Itachi's annoyance, Kisame was getting closer and closer to him. Finally, Kisame dived down and took a huge intake of the smell of Itachi's hair.

"... Gingerbread?" Kisame asked, referring to the smell of his hair.

"..."

"I though you said that was Deidara's!"

"Come on now, you would have lied, too," Itachi muttered.

"So... the Temptation's Spicy Gingerbread, All the Spice, None of the Crumbs (TM), thingy was yours?" Kisame sounded amused. "Man, the other Akatsuki are going to..."

"No, they're not," Itachi interrupted.

"Oh?"

"Yes. Because. By the time we go back to the Akatsuki HQ, I'll have some dirt on you. And then, guess what? You won't be able to blackmail me."

"Right. We'll see."

**- 30 Minutes Later -**

"Kisame, do you remember what I said only thirty minutes ago?" Itachi sounded annoyed.

"Huh?"

Itachi sighed in frustration. "Right after you said you were going to blackmail me about my choice of shampoo, body wash, and bubble bath, you come out, smelling like chocolate?"

"Oh, it was from your set. I liked the way it smelt, and... Oh, damn, right, that!"

"You are my partner, and you are about the only one I can stand, but damn, you know what? You're pathetic. You're lucky I don't kill you."

"I know you won't."

"Why?"

"Because. In our mini-fridge, I put some fruity popsicles."

"Not the cheap ones, that come in plastic packets unfrozen and warm?" Itachi's voice held hope.

"Nope—the good ones. I also have fish sticks, ketchup, and mustard."

"We don't have a stove."

"Yeah... I didn't think about that when I got them."

"... You know, for a second, I was contemplating not killing you. But, even with the popsicles, you are borderline dead. Just for reasons of wanting to help out the entire human race and all, nothing personal."

"I can understand that, I guess…"


	6. The Dreaded IU

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

The Akatsuki video collection lays in the main den, separated from the rest of the room by a wooden door to a cabinet. The videos which lay in this sacred cabinet were all labeled—some were labeled by people ("Deidara's Art Video—Touch And You'll Have Death By Fustigation"), some were labeled by genre ("Freaky J-Horror Stuff That Only Really Twisted People Like Zetsu Would Watch"), and some were labeled by rating ("This Is So Underrated That If You Watch This Your Eyes Shall Melt... 'PG-13'? Try 'NC-17'!)

Of course, multiple ratings could be on each video; one video included all three of the aforementioned examples (apparently Deidara, at one point, was into painting underrated J-horror pictures—no one ever thought it wise to ask).

And, of course, there was one label that everyone was completely and utterly terrified of—scarier than the J-Horror, which only Zetsu could fully grasp, scarier than the possibility of getting beaten into a bloody pulp with Deidara, and even scarier than the prospect of your eyes melting. This label was simply marked I. U., initials which terrified even the other members of the Akatsuki.

What said videos actually contained was a complete mystery—Deidara suggested things that no one under 18 (or 21, in some states) should see, Kisame suggested something that would lead people to questioning Itachi's sexuality, while Zetsu and Sasori would reply with "Home Movies" (though Sasori and Zetsu had a very different idea of what 'home movies' actually included).

Finally, one day, Kisame decided to find out just what was on these tapes. After all, it could very well give Kisame the edge over Itachi. He popped in the video, turned the lights off, and curled on the couch in front of the TV.

Then, to his shock and amazement, it wasn't a home video, or a sex video, or an embarrassing video at all. It was a kunai and shuriken throwing video. He put in another one marked 'I.U.', and it was similar, except it was for jutsu. No matter which video he tried that was marked with Itachi's initials, they always came up as an instructional video of some sort.

"Kisame. Why are you looking at my videos?" Itachi asked, obviously annoyed. "I would have let you watch them, if you wanted."

"I... Never mind," Kisame dismissed himself from the living room.

_'He gave up far too easily... My romantic comedies are in my room, underneath the floorboard. Stupid fish.'_


	7. Fishy Food

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

Kisame snuck into Itachi's room, intent on finding something new. Why was he so intent on finding some blackmail? Well, it could have been that Itachi found out about the fish food underneath his bed (damn Mangekyo), but it was also because Kisame did not want to lose to that Uchiha bastard. Not that he really hated Itachi or anything—they had really recently been getting along, due to their 'game'. But, still, he had to find out something about Itachi.

Kisame shuffled through Itachi's drawers. Nothing interesting, or rather, nothing he hadn't seen before. Discolored house socks, regular house socks, Akatsuki-print boxers, cloak, t-shirts, pants, regular socks, sharp shiny dagger, kunai, shuriken...

Kisame closed all the drawers, finally giving up on the dresser. He had about fifteen more minutes before Itachi came out of the shower. He glanced underneath the bed, pushing items aside to look for anything that he could use. Finally, he saw a novel. He pulled it out from underneath the bed and looked at the cover.

"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince?" he asked aloud. He sighed... Well, it wasn't great, but it could be used. He pushed it aside. He turned to Itachi's desk and shuffled through its contents. Nothing interesting was in there. No odd photos (no photos at all, in fact), no weird documents, no journal...

"Ahem," Itachi coughed from the door. He was leaning against the doorframe, glaring at Kisame as he went through his desk.

"Itachi! I misplaced my pen, did you happen to see it?" Kisame's cover-up was immediate and without hesitation—maybe, just maybe, Itachi would believe him...

"Yeah, right. You don't use pens. You use pencils."

Kisame couldn't help but look at his partner oddly. "How... how would you know something like that...?"

"I pay attention," Itachi commented. "It comes in handy. Out of my room, Mr. Fish Food," he added, simply, though it sounded stupid, to remind his partner he had blackmail on him.

"You read Harry Potter!" Kisame exclaimed.

"Don't you think Harry and Hermione should end up together?"

"Gross! Harry and Ginny!"

"Sounds like you read it, too." How did Itachi know to say something like that? Well, truth is, most people read Harry Potter, so there was a good chance_everyone_ in the hideout at least knew about it.

Kisame cursed under his breath. Why was he so good at making the well-earned blackmail null and void?

"You have until Deidara and Sasori come home to find some dirt on me. Get out of my room," Itachi ordered.

"Right, right..." Kisame muttered, depressed. He had to find something out, or else his reputation (however much it paled in comparison to Itachi's) was at stake.

----

Kisame couldn't sleep that night. Deidara and Sasori were due to come back to Headquarters the next day. He rose and walked out of the room, grabbing the fish food for a glass of (tasty) water.

He was about to walk past Itachi's room and to the kitchen when he paused. Was that sleep-induced muttering? Kisame paused and listened at the door. He could barely hear what Itachi was saying, but he could hear it.

"Shisui... I'm sorry... You need to die... Forgive me..."

Kisame paused. It wasn't quite 'juicy' blackmail, but it would still ruin his reputation. Itachi felt bad about what he did to Shisui! It did make sense, considering that Shisui was Itachi's best friend growing up, but since Itachi always pretended that he didn't care... It was perfect.

With a smirk, Kisame walked back to his room, no longer needing the fish food-induced water to get him to sleep. He would be relaxed enough to sleep that night.

----

"Still haven't found anything, have you?" Itachi asked with a smirk. When Kisame turned to him with an evil smirk plastered on his face, Itachi nearly panicked.

"Do you remember what you dreamt about last night?" Kisame asked coolly as he sipped at a glass of milk.

"No," Itachi replied.

"You dreamt about Shisui, didn't you?"

"I don't remember."

"Either way, you know, I heard you call out in your sleep... Something like that you're sorry and asking for forgiveness..." Kisame looked at Itachi, who simply continued to stare forward. Kisame hadn't really expected Itachi to lose his cool, but honestly, the look he was giving Kisame was way too collected.

"I never asked for forgiveness. It wasn't needed. Shisui told me to kill him."

"Oh, reall—what?"

"It was assisted suicide. He told me to kill him so that I could get the Mangekyo, but he was planning on killing himself. It wasn't completely moral, but it wasn't like I committed murder. I have nothing to feel sorry for."

Itachi turned to walk away. "That doesn't mean you can't feel sorry, Itachi," Kisame halfway-muttered, just barely audible to Itachi. Itachi paused before continuing to walk away.

In that moment, Kisame felt like he understood Itachi a little bit more. He still thought that Itachi was an asshole, but he wasn't heartless.

Kisame believed the former statement less and the latter statement more when Itachi didn't tell Deidara about his fish food.


	8. Pictures Pt 1

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

Most members of the Akatsuki kept pictures of those that actually meant something to them before what they referred to as their 'rebirth'. For instance, Zetsu had a picture of his entire family, while Deidara had a picture of his hometown's art gallery and the first painting and sculptures he had made. Sasori had had a picture of his first puppets, which was quite similar to Deidara's, but was arguably different.

Even Itachi and Kisame, too, had pictures of the things that had meant a lot to them. Itachi had a picture of Sasuke—not of the rest of his clan, but just of Sasuke. Kisame himself kept a photo of his mother, whom was the only one that never let him down, except perhaps in death.

However, no single member of the Akatsuki knew about anyone else's pictures. In fact, they all felt that keeping said pictures was rather silly, and would hide away their pictures, refusing to let it see the light of day, except, perhaps, when they wanted to take it out and examine it for themselves.

One day, on the anniversary of his mother's passing, Kisame took out the picture lovingly and closed the door behind him. He glanced behind him, paranoid about someone simply walking in and seeing his picture. Kisame would have also locked the door, if not for the fact that someone (not mentioning any names) had melted the lock to his room.

Kisame knelt on the floor and pulled up his pillow. He grabbed the picture from in between his two cobalt blue sheets and carefully pulled it towards him. The picture was old and fading, but it still showed the completely human woman smiling brightly as she held a small, almost guppy-like, baby.

Kisame let a sharp fingernail slowly trail over his mother's face, smiling gently as he remembered her. He remembered that she was the only one who understood him, and that she was the only one who constantly supported him. Considering his father was in the same position as he was, he should have supported him, too, but instead, he had beaten Kisame almost constantly.

Kisame let a few silent tears roll down his cheeks, which soon turned into dry sobs. Usually, he didn't cry. He made a point to show almost no emotion—except for excitement, and in controlled areas, confusion—but during this one time of the year, he gave himself permission to cry. He had been in the Akatsuki almost three years now, and this had always been his routine.

But, this year, someone heard him. This year, his door had been unlocked. And this year, Itachi had simply stepped in, closed the door behind him, and knelt beside the shark-like man.

Kisame simply looked at him as he wiped at his cheeks hurriedly and tried to put away the picture.

"It's no use. I have already seen it," Itachi said blankly, showing no compassion, or any other sort of emotion. Kisame stopped moving to put it away, but he did hold it closer to himself, as if he was protecting it from Itachi by cradling it.

"I guess you have me, then," Kisame muttered, staring down at the picture, his eyes still feeling watery from tears.

"Not really. I'm positive every Akatsuki member has a picture like yours that invokes a feeling of nostalgia, regret, or sadness."

"What's yours?" Kisame asked out of pure curiosity.

"Mine is of regret," Itachi simply replied. "Yours is of sadness," he finished cryptically before leaving the room.

"Damn. I didn't think you'd tell me, but it was worth a shot."

"Not really. You should know I don't give information away for free. But, I wouldn't tell on the picture, even if no one else had memorabilia like that."

"Thanks, Itachi," Kisame mumbled, as he slowly slid the picture back under the sheets. "Rest easy, Mom."


	9. Pictures Pt 2

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

Cast – Itachi and Kisame 

Kisame needed to know what picture Itachi had. It wasn't that he was afraid of blackmail—it was that a stunning bout of curiosity led him to need to find it. Itachi had left for the grocery store (more than likely, he had only gone to make sure that popsicles were snuck into the cart) with Deidara and Zetsu. Before he had left, Kisame asked Itachi to get him a specific brand of fish sticks—one that Kisame knew didn't exist. Itachi would, more than likely, look through all of the frozen food section a few times before settling for a real brand.

Kisame looked under the bed, under the mattress, and everywhere else he could think of. He checked underneath all of the loose floorboards, in every crevice of his desk (he even checked for false bottoms), and looked through all of Itachi's clothes. He did so for nearly two hours—and soon, the Akatsuki trio would be home. Searching for so long in so many places led Kisame to believe one thing, however—he definitely had it on his person, at all times. This made the picture even more interesting to Kisame, though it would probably be even harder to find that way.

He heard the door open, and Kisame quickly ran out. He was lucky that the front door did not face the bedrooms, and that his room was adjacent to Itachi's. He jumped from Itachi's room and quickly shut the door. He had been sure to return everything to its proper place.

"Welcome back, Deidara, Zetsu, Itachi!" Kisame cried out. Zetsu and Deidara returned the greeting, but Itachi simply walked past him and towards his room. He glanced at the door and turned sharply to Kisame.

"What were you doing in my room?" he asked, a glare present on his face.

"W-what makes you think I was in your room?" Kisame asked, feeling very much like he had been busted.

"My door has weird hinges. I always close the door in a specific way. You didn't," Itachi accused. "Plus you stuttered," he added. Kisame glanced back at the door. The door was fully closed, resting on its hinges—he had to pull up to get it to do so.

'_Now that I think about it... When I saw the door earlier, it hadn't fully rested on its hinges... It was crooked...'_ Kisame thought to himself.

"Have mercy...?" Kisame tried half-heartedly.

Deidara hummed the funeral dirge.

"We'll discuss this later," Itachi muttered. "For now, go and carry the groceries in."

"No fair, un! I've only gotten to go on spying missions! I'm missing my daily violence, un!" Deidara threw in.

Kisame began doing as Itachi told him, ignoring Deidara completely, and then glanced backwards. "Aren't you guys going to help?"

"No."

----

"What were you looking in my room for?" Itachi asked, nearly three days later. He waited so long because Deidara had been stalking the two of them, waiting for conflict. Finally, Itachi asked their leader to send Deidara on a genocide mission, which Deidara went to with a skip in his step.

"... Your picture..." Kisame muttered, hoping that Itachi could forgive him for something like that.

"I did tell you I wouldn't use your picture as blackmail...?"

"I just wanted to know. Have mercy, Itachi-sama!" Kisame cried out.

Itachi seemed to completely ignore Kisame's groveling. He began pulling out a wrinkled piece of paper that was on the inside of his shirt, before he glanced down at it. It had a small splash of blood on one side, and the back was yellowed.

He handed the picture to Kisame, who carefully plucked it from Itachi's hands. He glanced down at the picture of Itachi's little brother, who was only about seven at the time. It had definitely been ripped out of a larger family picture, for the edges weren't nearly as smooth as it should have been.

"In the actual picture, mom and dad stood to his right, and I stood to his left," Itachi explained.

"Why did you rip yourself out of the picture?" Kisame asked, once again, out of pure curiosity.

"Because I don't really belong in Sasuke's life," Itachi explained cryptically before taking the picture from Kisame's hands and putting back in it's honored place. "Now get out."


	10. Oh Crap

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

The day that the Akatsuki leader finally decided that Itachi's door should be fixed was a sad day for Itachi (or, at the very least, an irritating one) and a happy day for Kisame. Itachi's door being fixed meant that Itachi could no longer use his specific way of closing his door to figure out whether or not someone had been in his room. Of course, Uchiha Itachi was a genius, and that meant that, more than likely, he'd figure out a new way soon. But, as soon as Itachi went away from his room and he'd search through it once again. He didn't know what else he could possibly find, but for him, sneaking into Itachi's room was becoming like a drug. For Itachi, it was becoming an annoyance.

Ironically enough, the day that Itachi's door was fixed was the day that Deidara came back from a mission of genocide with Sasori.

"I'm back, un!" Deidara practically sang, twirling around as if he was the happiest person alive.

"You take too much pleasure in these sorts of missions," Sasori muttered dully.

"Welcome back, Deidara!" Kisame cried out, also feeling as if he were the happiest person alive. "... Hey Sasori," he shrugged when he turned to Deidara's redheaded companion.

"What do you mean by that?" Sasori growled out.

"Itachi! How have you been?" Deidara interrupted, now turning towards the Uchiha prodigy.

Itachi glared at Deidara before walking to the kitchen.

"Someone needs a popsicle!" Kisame noted.

Everyone froze.

"Pop... sicle?" Sasori asked slowly, his blinks becoming somehow exaggerated.

"Kisame..." You could tell that Itachi's anger was just bubbling underneath the surface. He then smirked, and turned towards the shark-like man. "I need a popsicle about as much as you need a fish stick, eh?"

"You used Gingerbread shampoo," Kisame retorted.

"At least it wasn't chocolate," Itachi said after a quick scoff.

"Oh yeah? Well, you have **Akatsuki** printed boxers!" Kisame pointed at him, his finger shaking in accusation.

"You wear briefs!" Itachi threw his hands up in the air, annoyed with the fact that they were getting nowhere by simply throwing blackmail at each other.

"You wear light blue and pink spotted house socks!" Kisame folded his arms across his chest, as if his statement had ended the argument.

"Oh yeah? What about that blue and pink t-shirt?" Itachi replied smugly.

They went through their entire list of blackmail, throwing every little piece of information they had about each other. When they finally stopped, unable to go any further, Deidara and Sasori began laughing uncontrollably.

"Man, this is the best day ever, un!" Deidara gasped out in between breaths.

"And I thought you were the only one with Akatsuki-printed boxers!" Sasori said in between laughs, similar to how Deidara had.

And then Itachi and Kisame froze.

"Oh? Oh, un? How can you explain that **thong** in your drawer, yeah?" Deidara threw back.

"Yeah, bring that up! At least I never did a painting that was a tribute to **Brokeback Mountain**!" Sasori yelled.

"Hey, un! I never made a puppet with working 'parts' if you get my drift, un!" Deidara threw back.

At this point, Itachi and Kisame began inching away towards their rooms. It was no secret that Deidara and Sasori had known each other for a long time. However, their secrets were much scarier, much more 'adult', and much more juicy than the secrets they had on each other.

"O...kay. I vote we stop playing this game," Kisame said with a wide-eyed expression as he sat on Itachi's bed (having followed Itachi into his room).

"Agreed," Itachi said with a nod. "I can't believe I've been this disturbed... I'm a mass-murderer, and I've never been this disturbed in my entire life."

"Same."

"... Wait. What are you doing in my room? Go away."

"Mean."


	11. Weird Discoveries

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

"Sasori, what's your type, un?" Deidara asked completely out of the blue on the way to a mission.

"Type?" Sasori asked, blinking slowly. "What do you mean by 'type'?"

"Like... Your type of romantic partner, yeah. What's your type, un?" Deidara clarified and then repeated.

"I gave up 'types' long ago, Deidara," Sasori managed to growl out.

Deidara froze, wondering what Sasori was talking about.

"What do you mean, un?" Deidara asked, feeling completely and utterly confused. "Are you pansexual, un?"

"I'm your teammate, and yet, you still haven't realized it?" Sasori muttered.

"..." Deidara waited for an explanation.

Sasori simply ripped his sleeve back and showed it to Deidara. Underneath his clothing was the arm of a puppet.

"You're a puppet, un?!" Deidara was completely shocked.

"Damn it, shut up, you stupid transsexual!" Sasori threw back. "Do you want random people to figure it out?" Sasori hissed the last question, trying to be quieter than Deidara.

They had paused when Deidara had yelled. Sasori started walking again, this time at a slightly faster pace, as if he wanted to leave Deidara behind completely.

"Do the others know, un?" Deidara had caught up and was now matching his pace. This time, also, he was talking in a lower tone.

"No. The others don't know. I haven't exactly had to tell them. So far, we've only had solo and partner missions, remember?"

"Why'd you do it?"

"..." Sasori didn't answer, and simply ignored the question, as if Deidara had never spoken.

"Wait! I'm not a transsexual, un! I have a penis, yeah!" Deidara had finally recalled Sasori's comment.

"That's kind of the point. You're really a man, but posing as a woman..."

----

Sasori stashed the document underneath his cloak. "Good. Now we have the information on the demon of the Cloud. In a few months, we might actually get an interesting mission," Sasori noted.

"I dunno, yeah. I think that the damn leader might give it to Kisame and Itachi, un. He's got a hard-on for Itachi, yeah," Deidara added.

"... You've been watching the leader masturbating on video, haven't you?" Sasori sighed.

"You are sick, yeah. I mean it, un. You're sick," Deidara glared at Sasori. Deidara walked away, hurrying in front of Sasori.

"... You walk like a girl. Are you swaying your hips?"

Deidara froze. Shit.

"You tell anyone about that, un, and I'll tell about you being a puppet, yeah."

"Fine," Sasori pouted.

_'Hehe, besides, I'll just simply nudge over at Kisame and it'll look like his own personal observation...'_

----

Sasori nudged Kisame gently as they sat on the couch. "Hey, Kisame, look at Deidara walking," Sasori whispered to Kisame. Deidara was walking into the kitchen, and Deidara and Kisame had been watching 'Survivor'. Itachi was in a recliner next to the couch, reading a scroll.

"... Hey, he sways his hips like Itachi does!" Kisame yelled aloud.

Sasori froze. Deidara froze. Kisame froze. Itachi pounced on Kisame and began choking him. Kisame turned purple. Deidara kicked Kisame in the stomach.

Isn't the color a blue man will turn when he's almost suffocating to death amazing? It's such a lovely shade of purple...

It was at that moment, when Kisame, half thinking he'd die, swore to get Sasori back.


	12. Puppet Movies Pt 1

**Akatsuki Crack Theatre**

Bills. Tons and tons and tons of bills. Piles after piles, all about different things. Some were for groceries for the hideout, food from restaurants across the region, electricity, hotel, water, heating, cooling, and all sorts of thousands of bills from everywhere that you could think of.

And, for this month, it was Kisame's turn to do the budget. They'd definitely be alright—the members of the Akatsuki did so many missions for so many people that there was no way they could possibly be under budget, so balancing it wasn't hard.

It was simply going_through_ the bills, and making sure that all the members weren't spending more than they were apportioned. Each member got $1000 a month, which didn't include the money that they spent on meals and hotels. However, any extra they got was the organization's.

"Okay, so since Itachi spent $200 on getting new weapons, and about $150 having _all_ of his weapons sharpened and polished… And $3.25 for socks? Oh, he probably replaced his red house socks…" Kisame added it up, and calculated how much Itachi didn't spend of his $1000. He moved onto Deidara's bills.

"Deidara spent $500 on new art supplies—the hell, did he replace his entire art cabinet? He also spent $30 on… Moisturizing Conditioner and Shampoo? And… $20 on hair mousse? I'll save this bill for later…" Kisame worked through every Akatsuki member, and did the same with each bill.

He reached Sasori's bill. He wasn't expecting much, probably just wood and maybe clothes for his puppets, or something small for himself. Kisame tore open the envelope with a long nail boredly, not expecting to find anything of interest.

"$7 on pay-per-view?" Kisame thought to himself, calculating about how much each movie cost. The cost was usually around $3, plus tax, but the letter said that the two movie titles had been requested to be anonymous.

He was still pondering over what the movie could be, when Deidara walked up behind him. "What's up? Having trouble adding 2 + 2, un? By the way, it's 4, yeah," Deidara chuckled.

"No, no, look at this," Kisame order Deidara, ignoring the insult to his intelligence.

"Hmm… Porn, yeah. It's definitely porn, un. Why else wouldn't the titles show up on the bill, un?"

"Not all embarrassing movies are porn… Besides, Sasori doesn't seem… Into anything else but _puppets_."

"Well, maybe it's puppet-porn, un?"

"You think Blockbuster has puppet porn?"

"If they do, it's probably bad puppet porn, anyways, un…"

"Oh, look, a confirmation code!"

"Let's call it, yeah."

----

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

"Blockbuster, how may I help you?"

"Yeah, I wanted to confirm the movies titles for 3998439," Kisame replied to the young-sounding saleswoman, Deidara snickering beside him.

"Oh, yes… Let's see… Pinocchio and The Muppet Christmas Carol. Also, there was a tax added. Is that all you needed to know?"

The woman couldn't even get the entire sentence out—Kisame had hung up by then, and he and Deidara were guffawing on the floor.


End file.
